Quotes About Comedy

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When I wear t-shirts I can only wear v-necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear regular neck shirts, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Like, wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled - by a really weak guy - all damn day. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack, its like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Mitch Hedberg

If you open your mind too much, your brains will fall out.

Tim Minchin

The 2012 London Olympics were supposed to restore British National pride. £20 billion to restore British National pride? For £20 billion, we could have written 'F*CK OFF GERMANY' on the moon.

Frankie Boyle

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"

Mitch Hedberg

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Will Rogers

You the people have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You the people have the power to make life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.

Charlie Chaplin

They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?

Marty

You said it, man. Nobody f*cks with the Jesus.

Jesus Quintana

Maude Lebowski: What do you do for recreation? The Dude: Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

The Dude

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it? Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious. Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

Leslie Nielsen