Quotes About Mitch Hedberg

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You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Mitch Hedberg

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Mitch Hedberg

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck's really goin' on down there? Who is the real hero?

Mitch Hedberg

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means "hold on", yellow means "go ahead", and red means "where the f*ck did you get that banana at?"

Mitch Hedberg

You know when it comes to racism, people say: "I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green." Woah, hold on now! Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

Mitch Hedberg