Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Allen: What are you doing Saturday night? Woman: Committing suicide. Allen: What about Friday night?
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
Political questions, if you go back thousands of years, are ephemeral, not important. History is the same thing over and over again.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Ninety percent of life is just showing up.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.