Lady Astor: Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea! Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Remember, always be yourself... unless you suck.
Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."
Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."