I'm glad they made Flintstone vitamins cause I used to watch The Flintstones and go, man, I betcha if I ate that dude I would be HEALTHY.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.
Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the f*ck?" and I will pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
When I wear t-shirts I can only wear v-necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear regular neck shirts, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Like, wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled - by a really weak guy - all damn day. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack, its like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.